Are you accommodating and setting boundaries?
It is so easy to please others but often times we forget to also attend to ourselves, our wants and needs. The current pandemic has highlighted this issue for many of us. We want to spend time with our friends and attend to our hobbies in person, but due to the easy spread of the virus pesky precautions are a necessity. Yet, not all of our peers respect the boundaries we establish. Either by dismissing concerns completely, by eye rolling, by making a jab, or even by threatening. Wearing a mask or sitting 6’ apart does not really impact our daily interactions all that much. Asking a friend to go on a walk outside and to wear a buff or keep extra distance or to meet for coffee or a meal somewhere outside is not much of an ask. But, when the mockery or the threats start we easily cave into the pressure of another. Ask yourself, how did that feel? Were you true to yourself? Did you serve your own interest well? Were you respectful? Were they? Did you demonstrate courtesy? Did they? Are you accommodating others at your own expense?
These accommodations (not the ones where you discuss what works for all parties, but the ones in which you do not honor yourself) will gnaw at your being bit by bit and eventually, if you are not serving yourself, you will suffer from the stress. Your health (physical, mental, and spiritual) is paramount. I can speak of this from personal experience. Almost everything can be redone - you can retake a test, you can rearrange meeting up with a friend, you can redo a trip, you can purchase another item, you can almost always try again - but you do not get a redo on your health. You can adopt positive changes with every day and with every choice. Setting boundaries is one of changes you can improve upon, trust me.
Beyond asking your peers to meet online or at a distance is a great and very obvious place to begin, but think where else you can respectfully communicate boundaries? Perhaps you can inform your partner than a certain joke makes you uncomfortable. Maybe there is a coworker or class mate who says or does something to you specifically that you can respectfully ask them to cease doing. What about an activity or meal you grit your teeth through but you grin and bear for someone else’s benefit? I doubt very much that if a person genuinely cares for and respects you, and that if you were to thoughtfully and respectfully approach them with your boundaries, that they would write you off. But we each must extend empathy and know that sometimes change is hard. If there is a slip up, no need to attack, gently and firmly remind the other party of your boundary. Maybe be open to a discussion that could lead to meeting in the middle or to accepting that they may also have boundaries you need to respect.
I think of this often when teach martial art and self defense classes. What if confidence was the first line of defense and then respectful, firm boundaries are second? Often times we hear about a person being pushed and pushed without ever communicating the discomfort experienced. If we do not give others an opportunity to know that we are uncomfortable, how can we expect them to no longer engage in the behavior or for our comfort level to ever improve? If we are not firm about what is ok and what is not acceptable, we open the door to being walked on repeatedly. “I didn’t want them to think I was being mean or crazy” is a line I hear again and again. In this response, I see a person accommodating others while harming themselves. Obviously, there are things which are always going to be clearly wrong, but what about those things which exist in the grey? Can we accept that we all have difference thresholds or beliefs? I hope so. I hope we all can engage in working on respectfully and firmly establishing boundaries.
As we set and communicate our boundaries it is imperative for us to also respect those of others. In this way we demonstrate that we respect ourselves and others and serve as an admirable example to our communities.
Perhaps a metaphor? Look at a brick or log wall. It is constructed from individual and unique pieces. Each piece exists separately from the others while still contributing to the structure as a whole. As the bricks crumble and the wood rots, the whole structure begins to fail. If you want to help others and contribute in a true way to your community, you must be strong and structured in yourself first. A weak brick will eventually bring the building down.
Looking for help on setting boundaries? Check out this article:
~Master Staup